Now...fast forward 15 years later and guess what? I am officially a missionary! but, things have changed a bit. I have lived some life, seen some stuff, become a wife and a mom, learned the value of family and friends and somewhere along the way I became scared! I used to pride myself on being fearless and care free, spontaneous and tough, living life on the edge seemed attractive to me but something happened one night as I lay in a hospital bed next to my first born child. I remember not being able to sleep as I rest my hand on her tiny chest fighting the raging anxiety in me that feared she may stop breathing and I knew in that moment that my life would never be the same.
Now that I am a missionary I have some reservations, I am concerned about being able to provide for my family, I worry about being able to guide my children through the multiple transitions that still lay ahead of us, I am afraid about not having health insurance. I have dreams of my kids taking dance lessons, playing sports, mastering a special craft and now I fear we won't be able to afford lessons. I know its silly but I am sad we can't get a dog.
Tonight I found myself almost laughing at the irony! Why did God not call me into the mission field when I was younger, ready and unafraid? Wouldn't that have made more sense? Wouldn't I have been more effective when I was less afraid? But as I was questioning I felt God gently whisper "yes but now you know you have to rely on me and me alone! Before... you would have tried to do it on your own, but now you know you are nothing without me and that...my child... is the secret to being a successful missionary.... SURRENDER."
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