I've heard the term before. Faith. I’ve said phrases like living by faith or walking by faith. I've even sang songs about it. There have been times in my life when I have exercised faith. I've believed for some big things, some miracles, and seen them happen. There have even been extended times like mission trips where I've walked by faith for a season, or a year in ministry that was particularly difficult and I had to have faith that God had me there for a reason. None of those has prepared me for this.
I have never been the greatest fan of spiritual gift tests. I usually score high on a majority of gifts having practiced and experienced them in ministry. Interestingly, I have never scored well on faith. Now I know why. When it comes down to it, my trust in God is fickle. My ability to let go of everything and surrender it to God has been tested these last months. I have had to trust him with everything and it has been a painful yet rewarding journey. We have been trusting God to bring alongside partners and we have seen amazing grace as God has been faithful to do just that. Still, I personally question every day if we'll ever truly get there. San Diego County approved my aunt for only 41% of the hours she has received the last seven years in two other counties. I don't know why. I don't know why they gave her so little and I don't know why God let it happen, but my faith was shaken and I again I felt like we'd never make it.
We will appeal their decision. We still have one month left of fundraising that will hopefully put us over the top. We will be moving to a new county that will reassess my aunt and make their own decision about her hours. Things seem like they can only go up, but what if they don't? Still, we are moving forward. We know God has called us. Things will be tight but we know we will make it. I still have more questions than answers, but I think I am starting to learn that living by faith doesn't always mean being comfortable or sure, but moving forward and following God anyway.